Friday, November 15, 2013

9-Letters to My Classmates, Whom I Hate

To that annoying woman in my Canadian History class, 

I've spoken to you once, I believe. You seem like a nice person. A little annoyingly alternative and against the grain for seemingly no reason, but we were able to have a pretty normal conversation. I have a question for you now: 

Why do you keep raising your hand in class when you have nothing interesting to say? 

Look, I understand that Canadian history is beyond boring but good god woman, just keep your goddamn hand on the desk. I can't stand hearing you go '," for three minutes before you actually start using your words. I for one actually enjoy listening to the prof rant about the economic history of the lumber trade and I don't need  you to put in your two cents that Cedar was also traded because WHO CARES Everyone knows that pine was a hot commodity so just leave it at that! You don't need to take five minutes of class time to explain that cedar was a luxury item when, chances are, it's not even going to be on the test! And that debate we had on the first day of class? Eurocentricity vs Native-centric way of teaching? You said something so redundant I haven't stopped making fun of you in my head since. Every time you raise your hand I want to pull my hair out. 

Okay, now that I've gotten that off my chest I feel a lot better. 

Please, just stop beginning your sentences with an endless supply of "ums". That's all I ask. 

Sincerely- wait, no no, put your hand down,

Three rows behind and seven seats to the left

Monday, November 4, 2013

1-Nablopomo: Sounds kind of like a venereal disease...

No, it's not a disease contracted in the amazon via infected mosquitoes or some such other nasty critters.

Today I take up the National Blog Posting Month challenge: 30 blog posts in 30 days. Which means I'm already 4 days behind. 


For those of you who are not aware, November is--along with don't-shave-the-caterpillar-growing-above-your-snazzle-tooth-month--National Novel Writing Month. However, as I have attempted NaNoWriMo every year for the past half-decade and ended up with slightly less hair as well as several half-finished novels, and also due to the fact that I am no longer capable of writing creative fiction and have turned into a full time blogger, I feel that my time would be better spent blogging rather than attempting to write a 50 000 word plot-less novel. Seriously, I have no idea what to write about. I was actually considering just attempting to write a harlequin romance but I couldn't bring myself to stoop to that level. You should actually check out the submission guidelines for Harlequin (C) romance novels. They're hilarious. 

But I digress. 

So, the Nablopomo pandemic has affected some 2000 bloggers across North America, no doubt rising out of the need for a blog-related contest where we don't have to reach a word limit. No one gives Ernest Hemingway a word limit, so why should bloggers have one?

The point, dear readers, is that National Blog Posting Month allows bloggers like myself to not only needlessly post our thoughts and rants and ravings online for all to see but also feel a sense of accomplishment within our pointless blogger lifestyle. Blogging is kind of a pointless act. You write something, you post it online; it no longer belongs to you. If it's a great piece of writing and you want to submit it to a journal/magazine/newspaper/paying blog, you can't. The moment it hits the internet it belongs to Big Brother. This is problematic but also avoidable. Just don't post beautiful blog posts if you want recognition for it damnit! So the challenge to write 30 posts in 30 days kind of gives us (well, me in particular) a similar sense of accomplishment that comes from writing a novel in a month. From what I've read, most bloggers don't post every day. It's hard to come up with that much content. Creativity is hard work, okay??

So, here I am. It's 11:21pm on a drearily cold Montreal night. I'm listening to The Wailin' Jennys, bundled like a child about to run outside in the snow because for some reason the heat just turned off and it's 65 degrees Fahrenheit in my house (who did that???), I'm sick, I have a sore throat, and I'm about to embark on a journey of 1000 miles that begins with a blog post. 

This blog post in fact. 

I'll make you a deal; stick with me and I'll try not to bore you too much. Maybe I'll make you sigh in frustration, maybe I'll make cry with mirth, I may even piss you off with my insane ravings, but one thing is for sure:

This is going to be fucking difficult. 

Wish me luck!